Patrons

If you stop yelling I'll tell you how to solve the problem.
No? Okay. Walk away in a huff before I can reply, that's fine by me.

Take the Point

I'm on a different floor in a rarely used closet with empty boxes stacked against the door.

Take the hint.

I have dead lines, you have dead lines, but unless someone has a sucking chest wound or it's a zombie attack leave me alone. Actually, if it's a zombie attack, leave me alone, I'm well defended in here.

I'm two minutes and a work order away from getting a pit trap installed.

UnDead Politics at Work

5 minutes later.
“What kind of Vampire would you want be? Twilight, Angel, Lesat...” AKL asked.
“Blade.” I replied without hesitation
“Blade? But he hunts Vampires.”
“Yes. I support and endorse the Van Helsing Doctrine of Engagement.”
“Daywalker.” AKL replied and went off to do story time.

“Don’t Dr. Scott me, Brad.”

The Kid’s Department was a having a printer error. Heading to the department I took a look at the misbehaving machine.
“Hrmmm.” I said sagely.
“What’s wrong with it?” Asked AKL (Awesome Kids Librarian).
“The sonic transducer needs to be replaced.” I said.
“It is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory-physio-molecular transport device?”
“Erp. Yes.” Sonic transducer, fuser, same difference.
“Don’t Dr. Scott me, Brad.” She said.

Noh Books

"I’m looking for some information on Japanese Theater, specifically Kabuki." Asked the patron.
"I thought Japan had “Noh” drama."
"No, it has as rich and cultured tradition."
"I “Noh” what you mean, it's "Noh" problem."

In the Library with the Candle Stick

“I'm looking for Agatha Christie, and can’t find her.” Said a patron.
“You can’t find her? A mystery is afoot! Have you checked the Orient Express? Or notified Interpol?”
“Hehe, no I haven’t.”
“It maybe a crime against literature! Shall we investigate the shelves for clues?”

Books for the Living Impaired

Picking up the phone at the Reference Desk.
“Hello, can you help me put some books on reserve?” The patron asked.
“Sure, I’d be glad to.” I replied with convincing enthusiasm.
“I’m probably going to die before I get to read them all.”
“Can I suggest some short stories instead?”
*Insert putting 4 books on reserve*
“There’s a long wait on that one.” I mention.
“Would you come read it at my grave?”
“I don’t know, it’s 562 pages, I might have to bring lunch.”
“I just know I’ll be dead before I get it.”
“You’ve far too much reading to do to die.” I reply.
“Does God Love you?”
Crap, I think this just became about Jesus. “Probably, especially if He hasn’t been paying attention.”
“Then from your lips to God’s ears. The Reaper will be coming for me soon.” I don’t fear him personally, cowbell keeps him at bay. Perhaps she needs more cowbell.
*Finish reserving 3 more books.”
“No one in my family has lived past 80 in 8 generations!” She added.
“Statistically then you’re over due for a long life.”
“I hope so.” Gasp! Inspiring the will to live? I’m going home early to celebrate. “But if I die tonight, I won’t need these books.”
“Iif you wake up dead, be sure to call the library and have us cancel your holds.”

Cannibal Lice

The Midweek Chatty Patron stopped by.
“You know what really frightens me?” She asked.
“Cannibal clowns?” I replied.
“No, super lice.”
“Lice from Krypton? I can see how that can be worrisome. Curse earth’s yellow sun!”
“A library in Florida had to close to have them exterminated!”
“If we had Library Monkeys, Super Lice wouldn’t be a problem, they’d be a snack.” Note to self: Write a grant for Library Monkeys.
“Apparently they’ve evolved.” She added.
“Did evolution give them a taste for man-flesh? That be cause for alarm or a SyFy movie.”
“Where did they come from?”
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but I can check.” An actual reference question!
“No, it’s okay. In New York it’s gotten so bad in some apartments they created a ray that irradiates them.”
“Radiation sounds like a bad idea. Should they mutate we’d have to summon Godzilla to fight them.” Or King Kong. He’d probably eat the Super Mutant Lice.
“Always something to worry about! Night!”
How... cheerful.